that movie rant...

 

'Overact mes Amis! Like you have never over-acted beforrrrre!'

Ok, so I didn’t want to do this; I honestly tried not to do this, but it’s embarrassing ffs!

Am I talking about rumours of a new edition of Black Powder? Nope!  

Am I alluding to the latest news that Warhammer is to hit the big screen, promoted by your favourite multinational? Nope!

Phew...

I’m talking about that Napoleon movie.

I really wanted to like it; I really tried to like it.

The highlights for me were as follows:

• It looked really nice – there is a lovely 3 second scene of Cuirassiers charging squares as they form at Waterloo. The re-enactors did a brilliant job, as far as I could see
• ·         Vanessa Kirby was beautiful as ever

·         …then I ran out of ideas.

'So, I may be stunning dahling...but unless I get this f**king Napoleon neck tattoo taken off, my career is f**ked.'

Ok – there were a few things which concerned me, on a more minor level at first, but as a whole they allowed the fast moving train to not only leave the potentially well constructed rails, but ultimately vanish into a hole in the ground, leading directly to hell… 

• ·         Toulon – I tried to convince myself that it looked good even though Napoleon in his 20s looked like an old man…I mean could they not have used a younger actor, at least for this part
• ·         The revolutionary scenes ‘looked’ superb, but for all of the concentration on getting dates correct, everything else seems rushed or bluffed
• ·         Austerlitz – surely CGI, even thought people hate it, could have been used to give an impression of the wider massive battle?
• ·         Austerlitz (again) – I wanted to hear him say to a messenger “take these orders to General ‘X’ on the right flank – ensure that he does not move until ‘X’pm…now GO!”.  Never, in my wildest dreams, did I expect Napoleon in 1805 to say “SEND IN THE INFANTRY!”. You can suspend all the disbelief you want, but this is bullshit
• ·         Napoleon acting like a dying fish when he wants a shag is weird enough, without using it to make the film even more ridiculous. I’m sure Vanessa wasn’t actually acting in response to some of these antics, she was just wondering when she got paid
• ·         Bits of Russia looked nice, but he led a charge at Borodino (on a budget). Now I get that Napoleon once (or twice) surged forward and added to morale…buuut he makes contact with Russian lines etc. By this stage I was beginning to wonder just how bad Waterloo would be
• ·         …and the Waterloo ‘scene’. To summarise…’over the top boys’; charging Wellington’s lines. Little tents, and holes through hats…I had actually starting laughing at the comedic value by this stage

'Charge! ...dudes...'

Now, were I to jump to major issues, we could have a field day, but let’s talk up conspiracy theory first…

Do I believe that viruses escape labs via accident or by design? I’ve worked in industry long enough to know that people can be stupid, and accidents happen; so accident, not design.

So thereby, if I am asked whether the Napoleon movie is some sort of deliberate attempt to dumb down history and make people more pliable to stupid ideas? …nope, because producers aren’t that smart – they just want your money – like any good corporation; but was it just a shit movie because too many cooks were spoiling the broth, and control/management was abrogated because no one gave a shit, or lower ranks were terrified? Absolutely yes.

Clickbait...clickbait...clickbaaaait...

…and for the director to answer critics with a cry of ‘were you there?’ when historians criticise, just succinctly proves, that he is less than engaged. Believe me; I know that history can be bunk; I am aware that much of what we consider sacrosanct in terms of primary sources, can actually be disproven from a modern standpoint - ignoring the fact that history has been manipulated when it suits, but ffs... wise up! I mean I get that the older generation loves to stick two fingers up at the world…but screwing with a historical figure’s story? Naaah!

I watched this Waterloo movie twice after I’d seen Napoleon. I always thought it was a great film. Now? It’s a stunning classic.

Do yourself a favour...